Juxtapose Rapture
by Sinistra-sama
Summary: Dark songfic. For Harry, love and pain were juxtapose feelings… Given time both created feelings of rapture. HPDM, minor RWHG
1. Chapter 1

Juxtapose Rapture 

Written By: Sinistra-san

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Harry/Draco

Warning(s): sexual situations, angst, reference to death and self-mutilation, slash/yaoi

Genre(s): angst, drama, romance, songfic

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor do I own the song "Missing". Those are property of J.K. Rowling and Evanescence, respectively.

Summary: Dark songfic. For Harry, love and pain were juxtapose feelings… Given time both created feelings of rapture. HP/DM

Author's note: This story came to my mind late one night while I was reading a rather angsty Harry/Draco fiction. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but I warn you: it's a rather long tunnel… But don't let it shy you away from this or the rest of my stories. I just had to get this one out of my system.

* * *

It had taken Harry days to get up the courage just to approach the Headmaster about it. He'd had the idea sometime ago, but now with the war drawing so near… How could he leave things the way they were? He couldn't; he knew that if he were to die in his fight with the Dark Lord, then he would die with one single regret.

He'd die knowing he never admitted to telling Draco Lucius Malfoy that he loved him.

It wasn't something Harry had planned on doing. Falling in love with the fair skinned Malfoy heir was, perhaps, the biggest shock Harry had had in quite sometime. He'd figured out that he did, indeed, love the insufferable prat sometime during his third year. He found himself think of the small blonde constantly, and anytime the boy would be within his line of sight, Harry would just stair at him as if he were going to disappear. As much as it hurt to know that Draco would never love him back, he didn't regret falling in love with him.

Harry believed it was this line of thought, perhaps, that had lead him to start cutting in the first place. At first, it was with whatever he could find at the time; a small blade, a sharp piece of glass. Whatever it too to feel that exquisite pain that let him feel that if he could feel like that forever, life would be perfect.

Keeping his love to himself was one regret Harry refused to die with. One night as he sat on the floor of the bathrooms in the sixth year boys' dormitories, his limp arm covered in blood as it pooled on the floor while his other hand held a butterfly knife - a gift from Sirius for his 16th birthday that he had found in Grimwald Place a short while after his godfather's death - he came up with a plan.

The end of the year ball was coming soon, as well as the end of his sixth year at Hogwarts. He planned to sing to his love, a particular song that was currently popular in the muggle world even if it was by an underground group from the wizarding world. Everytime he heard the song, thoughts of Draco would fill his mind. It was heart wrenching and soul bearing, exactly what Harry needed.

That was how Harry wound up standing outside of Dumbledore's door, guessing what flavor candy the old man had made the password to his office. He'd already gone through every candy the wizarding world had to offer, so he moved on to muggle candies, his first guess being "peppermint patties".

The gargoyle sprang to life and jumped out of the way, granting Harry passage. He followed the stairs up, letting his feet guide him down the familiar path to the office door as his mind wondered to dream up what could possibly come from his plan. Draco would either be horribly disgusted and try to hex him or he could actually return Harry's feelings and pounce on his as soon as he got done singing.

Harry firmly believed it would be the former, but decided it was still worth the risk.

"Well, Harry, do come in." A familiar voiced called from the other side of the office door, snapping Harry out of his thoughts.

He pushed open the door to see Dumbledore sitting behind his desk, Fawkes resting upon his shoulder. When the phoenix realized Harry had entered the room, he took flight, circling the room several times as Harry walked up to Dumbledore's desk before landing on Harry's shoulder. Harry smiled at Fawkes, petting his neck.

"Fawkes is still as fond of you as ever, Harry." The headmaster commented, a twinkle ever present in his eyes.

"I noticed. If he keeps it up, he'll make Hedwig jealous." Harry sat in one of the chairs, continuing to pet Fawkes as if he had nothing on his mind.

"Harry…"

"Hm?" Harry looked up into Dumbledore's eyes. He was greeted with a small smile from the older man.

"Did you need something? …Or is this just a social visit?"

"Oh, I uh… have something I need to ask you, sir." Harry fought back a blush only to turn a pale pink color.

"Well, go ahead." Harry looked at him in horror. He laughed to himself, making sure Harry could not hear.

"I was wondering if… well, that is if you don't… what I'm trying to say is…" His voice trailed off as his free hand began to toy with the blade in his pocket.

"No need to ask Harry… I know how hard this is for you." He answered with a hint of laughter in his voice.

"Y-you do?"

"Yes. It was just as hard for another young Mr. Potter to ask me if he could sing at his fifth year ball to one Miss Lillian Evans." If it were possible, Dumbledore's eyes seemed to twinkle more.

"So, you'll let me?"

"Be my guest Harry. You of all people disserve a chance to be happy before the war begins…"

Harry stood, his hand still playing with the blade simply out of habit, and Fawkes took this as his cue to take his leave of Harry's shoulder. He'd given up sometime ago trying to figure out how the Headmaster seemed to know everything about anything, he just did, and that was all that mattered. "Thank you sir."

"No need to thank me Harry. Now, I must be off. I have a meeting with Fudge."

Harry nodded and walked out of the Headmaster's office, petting Fawkes one last time before leaving. He walked down the stairs and passed the Great Hall calmly, but broke out into a dead run once he's passed the double doors of the Entrance Hall. He didn't stop until he'd reached the boys' bathrooms.

He ran in and threw open a stall door, fumbling with the lock for a moment before pulling out the blade in his pocket. He sank to the floor and ran his finger over his wrist, removing the glamour charm that blocked the scar marring the skin there from view. He pulled the knife out of his pocket and flicked it open, bringing the blade to his wrist and tracing over the scar there like he had so many times before. He had to make sure it was real, that things were actually going okay so far and it wasn't all a dream like it had been so many times before.

He stared at his arm for hours, watching his crimson relief run down his wrist to land on the cold, unforgiving floor beneath him as he cried, occasionally choking out Draco's or Sirius' name. There were other, smaller scars that had only been cut once or twice, but the one on his wrist was the one Harry used most. Nothing felt better then feeling the skin there rip apart and the veins there shred as he slid through them with his butterfly knife as if he was sliding a dull knife through soft butter.

Harry did as always, healing the wound to the point that it would stop bleeding, but he never healing the scar that marked his otherwise perfect skin. He liked having it there, to remind him of the hardship that was life. It served as a reminder for Harry, a reminder of Sirius and of Draco. Of his parents, of Remus, and of everyone else who had been hurt simply because he existed.

He left that bathroom and let his feet guide him back to the Gryffindor Common Rooms, unaware that he was being watched by a pair of haunting silver eyes that shone with unshed tears…


	2. Chapter 2

Juxtapose Rapture 

Written By: Lady Sinistra

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Harry/Draco

Warning(s): sexual situations, angst, reference to death and self-mutilation, slash/yaoi

Genre(s): angst, drama, romance, songfic, one-shot

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter nor do I own the song "Missing". Those are property of J.K. Rowling and Evanescence, respectively.

Summary: Dark songfic. For Harry, love and pain were juxtapose feelings… Given time both created feelings of rapture. HP/DM

Author's note: This story came to my mind late one night while I was reading a rather angsty Harry/Draco fiction. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but I warn you: it's a rather long tunnel… But don't let it shy you away from this or the rest of my stories. I just had to get this one out of my system.

* * *

The final two weeks of Harry's sixth year flew by, every night finding him in that same bathroom, sitting on the floor of that same stall with his knife in his hand and his blood pouring onto the concrete beneath. Ron had begun to notice that Harry would disappear every night, but never said a word. It was his belief that Harry was a big boy now, and if he had a problem he'd come to him or Hermione when he was read to. Or, at least, that's what he told Hermione when she approached him about it.

Harry had confided in his friends that he planned to sing at the Ball, and that he wouldn't be joining them. It saddened them both a little to know their best friend wouldn't be there with them and told him so, him responding with a simple "You two have each other, you'll be fine." When they questioned him about what he was singing, and why or to whom, he told them they'd have to wait like everyone else.

The evening of the Ball came, and Harry found himself standing in the boys' bathroom before the mirror, staring back at his now unrecognizable reflection. His glasses were gone, replaced with temporary contacts given to him by Madame Pompfry to use until she had the time to correct his vision magically. His eyes were lined with kohl; making them stand out and the emerald of his irises look startling bright. His dress robes matched the kohl that lined his eyes with the Black and Potter family crests monogrammed over his heart. His dress pants matched his robes and his shirt was a soft gray short-sleeved crushed velvet that reminded him of Draco, clinging to his well-trimmed body.

He ran his hand through his mess locks, giving him a 'just snogged' look that suited him well. _Well, this is it… No turning back now…_Harry thought with a sigh as he grabbed his knife, sliding it into his pocket as he turned and walked out of the bathroom and down the stairs to the common room.

He was greeted with shocked gasps of awe and wonder. No one in Gryffindor had ever thought that Harry, the Boy-Who-Lived, the Gryffindor Golden Boy, had such a dark side to him. Harry did his best not to look at his housemates as he walked down the stairwell and crossed the common room to 'his' seat near the fireplace.

"Harry… Is that really you, mate?" Ron asked, his deep brown dress robe billowing slightly as he walked.

"Yeah, of course it is Ron. Why? Do I really look that different?" Harry asked, already knowing he looked very different.

"Well, yes. Neither of us ever really noticed how different you look without glasses…" Hermione answered, her hand wrapped in Ron's.

Harry just nodded and got up, making for the portrait hole. He looked back at Ron and Hermione. "Have fun you two, you'll see me soon enough…"

They nodded, and Harry stepped through the portrait hole and out into the hallway. He took his time getting to the Great Hall, taking a longer route he'd discovered with the Marauder's Map sometime ago. He could hear people talking happily, peals of laughter fluttering in the air as he got closer to the Hall, and the huge party that awaited him within.

As Harry reached the doorway, so did another sixth year student. One with white-blonde hair and silver eyes that haunted Harry day and night that was dressed in the most beautiful crimson dress robes Harry had ever laid his eyes one. Harry froze at the sight before him.

Draco Malfoy, Harry's rival and the object of his affection.

"Good evening, Potter… You know that is a rather nice outfit. Black suits you well. As does that gray." Draco commented lightly as he walked up and opened the door.

"Um… Uh, t-thanks Malfoy… That crimson is a wonderful color for you, by the way." Harry muttered, snapping out of his daze as he stammered and blushed like a first year with a crush.

"Thank you…" Draco replied with a smile as he held the door open. "I see I'm not the only one of us who decided to put this stupid rivalry behind him… After you."

"No, it seems you're not…" Harry nodded and walked through the door with a small smile towards Draco. _Perhaps…_ He thought, _tonight will go better then I had hoped…_

* * *

Laughter, music, and joyful conversation rang throughout the Great Hall. Seamus Finnigan and Dean Thomas had snuck Firewhisky into the Ball with them and spiked the pumpkin juice. Needless to say, many people were either drunk or well on their way to being so. Snape had been doing nothing but brooding and drinking glass after glass of pumpkin juice for the first hour of the Ball, and was now thoroughly smashed and hitting on the school's newest DADA teacher and Head of Ravenclaw house, Professor Areiana Black (who also happened to be Severus' school boy crush during his time at Hogwarts as a student and Sirius' sister).

Harry laughed for the first time in months as he watch the antics of his drunken professor and Godfather's sister. It was all rather funny to him, watching her try to avoid him the whole night. Almost as funny as watching the Headmaster ask Professor McGonagall to dance and seeing her turn as red as the Gryffindor banner that hung from the ceiling.

A few more songs went by, the last of them a slower one meant for the couples. He saw Ron and Hermione together and half-smiled; he was happy they had found each other before the war… At the end of the song, Dumbledore glanced at Harry and winked, Harry taking that as his cue to take the stage.

Dumbledore brought his wand to his throat and said "_Sonorus_!" and then walked up onto the stage to speak.

"Dear students, welcome to the end of another year at Hogwarts!" Many students, and professors, broke into applause and cheers at this. "It has been yet another interesting year and what better way to end it then in a very… interesting way. We have a student that wishes to perform for us. It's a dedication, but to whom he will not allow me to say. I wish to see… who can figure this out… But, now I give to you, Hogwarts – Harry Potter."

Harry took center stage as he saw Dumbledore raise his wand back to his throat and mutter "_Quietus_" to bring his voice back to normal. The band that was there as a favor to the Headmaster made room for Harry, wishing him luck as he walked up to the magical microphone.

As Harry took the stage, the entire Hall had gone silent. Harry Potter? A singer? No one had ever thought he did anything other then Quidditch… And his clothes! No one would have guessed that the Gryffindor Golden Boy was that sexy, especially in black. They stood there in silent awe. Hermione and Ron sat together, waiting to hear their best friend sing, something they'd heard once before by accident, the pure emotion in his voice bring tears to their eyes.

"Hello," He started. "I know all of you know who I am. I will be singing a song by an underground wizarding band that has hit it big in the muggle world. Its called "Missing" and this is for someone special… Though, they don't know it yet. I wanted to do this before the War begins… Before I must do what so many of you know I must."

Harry looked over his shoulder to tell the band they could start playing. He heard the chilling melody start and let himself become lost in the music, his eyes closing slowly.

_Please, please forgive me  
But I won't be home again  
Maybe someday you'll look up  
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:  
"Isn't something missing?" _

You won't cry for my absence, I know  
You forgot me long ago  
And am I that unimportant?  
And am I so insignificant?  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?

Harry held onto the microphone with both of his hands as if he needed an anchor. As the next verse of the song started his eyes flew open, the emerald depths holding more emotion in them in that moment then they had in months. Hermione and Ron both gasped, seeing the fire in Harry's eyes that had been lost since the day Sirius died.

_Even though I'm the sacrifice  
You won't try for me, not now  
Though I'd die to know you love me  
I'm all alone  
Isn't someone missing me?  
_

His eyes quickly locked with the silver ones belonging to who this was all over: Draco Malfoy. Draco seemed entranced my Harry's voice his eyes boring into Harry's. He let the words sink into him, understanding that they were meant for him and him alone. He clutched his chest, the words sending a lancing pain across his heart.

_Please, please forgive me  
But I won't be home again  
I know what you do to yourself  
I breathe deep and cry out  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me? _

Even though I'm the sacrifice  
You won't try for me, not now  
Though I'd die to know you love me  
I'm all alone  
Isn't someone missing me?

Harry let all the feelings he had for Draco pour into his voice, the raw emotion bringing many in the room to tears. Pansy let out a small sob next to Draco, but he couldn't bring himself to look at her, to ask if she was all right. Tears were falling from his own eyes as his feet took him to closer and closer to the stage of their own accord. As Draco moved closer, Harry pointed at his as he began the next verse, showing to the world just who it was the song was for.

_And if I bleed, I'll bleed  
Knowing you don't care  
And if I sleep  
Just to dream of you  
I'll wake without you there  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't something...  
_

Harry brought his hand back to the microphone, tears falling from his own eyes, leaving streaks of kohl in their wake.

_Even though I'm the sacrifice  
You won't try for me, not now  
Though I'd die to know you love me  
I'm all alone  
Isn't something missing?  
Isn't someone missing me?_

The music ended and there was silence throughout the entire Hall. Everyone was still in shock from the pure emotion that had just come from the Boy-Who-Lived. Suddenly, as Harry stood on the stage still clinging to the microphone and trying not to collapse, the entire Hall broke into applause. Harry gave the crowd a shaky smile before his knees gave out. Draco gasped and sprinted the short distance left to the stage and caught Harry as he collapsed. Hermione jumped up out of Ron's lap and took his hand, the two of them running for the stage.


	3. My Deepest Regrets

October 10th, 2007

Dear Readers,

It is with all sincerity that I must apologize to you... It seems I have run out of steam. This train has made her last stop. If anyone would like to pick-up on any of my stories, email me at the email address listed in my profile. I will be glad to give you all the information on them.

College is taking a heavy toll on me, what with the 15 hours I'm taking and 6 of them being of the honor's variety... I am up to my eyes in homework. Most of it is papers and speeches.

I have every intention of writing again, just not anytime soon. I might not get to until next summer at the earliest. I want to apologize to you all again. I know many of you have been waiting a long time on me to release another chapter. This isn't fair to you, and for that I am truly sorry.

Thank you all for reading. I will never forget you guys.

With love,  
Sinistra-sama


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